I was recently talking with a parent about her daughter who has a disability. This parent was expressing concern about her daughter’s behaviors in the home. Apparently, what was “cute” when she was 5 years old is not so cute now that she is 8. This parent and I discussed strategies that she could use in the home, but; in the end, this parents parting comment to me was that because of her disability, “I’m not sure she really understands what she is doing.”
One of the biggest challenges of being a teacher, special ed or not, is dealing with behaviors in the classroom and helping families deal with behaviors in the home. There are a lot of factors to consider when it comes to dealing with behaviors, but, no matter the cause, one thing is for sure, behaviors are no fun for anybody. Over the years, and dealing with a lot of behaviors, I find the biggest problem is the person’s mindset. What is that mindset? “But, they are disabled!”
You see, for some reason, we want to separate what is not appropriate for typical children and make it ok for children with disabilities. Would you let your typical child randomly scream out in your home… just because? Most likely not! So, why are you letting your child with a disability do that? Would you let your typical child play with the blinds? Definitely not! So, why are you allowing your child with a disability to do that? Would you let your typical child ransack the closet and pull everything out? Absolutely not! Are typical students allowed to wander the halls of your campus? Definitely not! So, why is it OK for the student with ADHD to do that? Do you let your typical child hit you, pinch you, bite you, scratch you? Do you let your typical child run all over the house and climb on furniture? Of course not! So….. The questions can go on, but I think the point is made.
The problem with that type of mindset is that you give that child with a disability blanket permission to do whatever they want, whenever they want, however they want, with no consequences. The disability becomes a crutch and an excuse for everything the child does. That type of mindset breeds thoughts of, “they just don’t understand”, “they can’t help themselves”, “they don’t know what they are doing”, “they can’t learn how to follow directions”, and “I feel sorry for them”. That type of mindset produces little to no expectations whatsoever and no boundaries. That type of mindset also produces a lot of frustration, anger, confusion, and no peace in the home or in the classroom. But, as the parents/care-providers/family members in the home, you can change the tide. You have the power to make things better!
It begins with changing your mindset. You must begin to look at your child as a child first with a disability, not a disabled child. You put disabled in front of your child and the focus becomes what that child can’t do: disabled. But, if you see your child as a child first with a disability, then you will see positives and potential. You will have expectations, boundaries, and consequences. You will expect them to mind, to follow directions, and to listen. You will expect, expect, expect. The child will learn “I can”, “I can”, and “I will”.
Now, don’t get me wrong, this is not an easy road to travel. And, I do get it. It is easier to let the child, with a disability, have his/her own way! The child is happy, and as the parent, you do not have to deal with crying, screaming, banging heads, kicking, scratching, and temper tantrum behaviors. But, what about you and the rest of the family? What about the home environment? You have to remember, what is easy at 5 years of age will not be at 9 years of age. What might look cute at 3 is not at 6. And, God forbid, what happens when they hit puberty, pre-teens, and adulthood.
It’s time to stop treating our children with disabilities as “china dolls”! They will not break; trust me. It’s time to stop treating them like they do not understand! They do. It’s time to stop feeling sorry for them! They don’t feel sorry for themselves. It’s time to stop giving in! It is time to treat them like children first. Since you have to speak for your children with disabilities, how about you speak, “I will”, “I learn”, “I understand”, “I CAN!”